Self Awareness – Finding Me

In the not to distant past (high school) I learned about the things that made me happy. I truly embraced all the activities I got involved in. There is that moment of self awareness where you say “Yes, this is the genuine me”. I had grasped on to dancing, cheerleading, singing, ski club, boosters and volunteerism. What has happened to me? Where did that path go that gave me so much light and happiness inside? I am out here in sunny southern california and although I am married and working there has to be more than this that inspires me to feel accomplished. Honestly, what accomplishments really count at this point in my life? Nothing. This is not the genuine me. I am okay being in a relationship but I am not okay being told what to do every single day. I pulled up the definition of self awareness per Wikipedia and here is what it says:

“Self-awareness is the capacity for introspection and the ability to recognize oneself as an individual separate from the environment and other individuals.[1] It is not to be confused with consciousness in the sense of qualia. While consciousness is being aware of one’s environment and body and lifestyle, self-awareness is the recognition of that awareness.”

I need to find me. Fast! What are we doing as a couple? What are our goals? We never really set any for us. We were destined to fail. I need more to my life than just working. We sometimes talked about buying a house, but guess who told us we weren’t ready? I’m not understanding the marriage concept so let me do something for me. I decided to join a gym nearby. I have always enjoyed exercising so I figured it’s time to add that back into my routine. I will talk more about this decision because ultimately it brought me to my first attempt at ending our marriage. Yes, it took more than once to end this disastrous relationship. What else can I do for me that will add to my happiness? Guess what I did? I found a local college and enrolled!!!! THAT was super exciting for me! I had my transcripts sent and I registered for classes and when I broke the news the response was “you are to stupid, you can’t finish school”. Once again, the deflating, non-supportive words were delivered. You see, if it did not fit into his agenda, then it was never going to be a great idea or the right thing to do. The idea of school was always threatening to him and in the end I never understood why it bothered him so much. Too bad. I am going to school. One class at a time. I have unfinished business and it was more of me pushing back on him sub-consciously saying “You don’t have a say in everything I do”. It would also mean I would be spending time with other young students that he didn’t know and that made him jealous as hell. It was probably this point in our marriage where he started to get really vocal and not in a good way. Words hurt forever. Once you say them, they can never be taken back. I was in for a lot of hurt over the next few years. I will take blame when it is necessary, but these were not reasons to be an asshole to me. It was just how he was wired and so the self awareness battle began.

Lesson: Never let someone steal your light.

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