Look at me. I have gone and set goals for myself. Ironically, they are only mine. We still have not outlined our path as a couple. Well, unless he decides it’s okay for us to make decisions that move us forward as partners (that was never a possibility). I established my goals for the short term because I did not have any long term plans in place with this man. One of his short term goals was to be like J.R. Ewing. He said it all the time. I looked at him and just laughed. I reminded him that J.R. was not liked by anyone. This is your goal? That’s fucked up. Does that include me hating you too? Ha. Why would you want to have a persona of such a reviled television character? He’s not even real. This is what I would deal with for the next 4 1/2 years of my life. He did not disappoint.
I kept my days full and I loved it. I went to work 5 days a week. I took my class at night and then I went to the gym several times a week. I did all this while I cooked and cleaned and ironed his clothes. What fun things did we do together? What great vacations did we take? What concerts did we see? How much time did we spend together that was meaningful? None. All we did was work. Hang out at the beach on Sunday’s or play volleyball all weekend. We had visitors and I am thankful for that. It was our distraction from the reality of what wasn’t happening between the two of us. I completed my first class at Golden West College and signed up for a second one! I took statistics! The day I registered for that class his response was “There is no way you can pass that class. I barely got a C in it when I was at Penn State.” Was that a challenge? Game on asshole.
I don’t think he thought my internal strength was greater than his constant verbal abuse. I don’t think he thought that being raised by strong women rubbed off on me. I think he thought I would just lay down and take the constant judgment that I could not be smart enough to accomplish what I needed for me. Why couldn’t he just support me? How hard is it to lift up the person you are supposed to love? It always hurt. I cried a lot. Privately. I was thankful for my apartment neighbors because I could at least walk out my door and see if anyone was around just so I could talk to anyone. Do you know what I did in that statistics class? I fucking aced it. Yep! And then I jammed that grade down his throat. The day I got my first test score back, I waved it in his face and said “Well look at me! I got an A!” Still no congratulations were forthcoming just more of “You still have the full course to get through.” Is this a competition? Uh oh. She’s doing what she set out to do. I suddenly started to feel a little more empowered. Not much, but it was a tiny victory.
My neighbors started asking us to hang out. Well…they were asking me because J.R. Ewing was accomplishing his goal of being hated. Everyone saw how he treated me so they began isolating him. I honestly didn’t notice because when they invited me to do something fun I always included him. Rarely did he participate. Fine, be an asshole. I’m going to Sunday Brunch. We made brunch an almost regular thing and I honestly to this day do not remember him ever coming with us. Where was he? My god. We would drive down to PCH (Pacific Coast Highway) to our favorite place and get hammered. Don’t worry, we didn’t drive for hours. Our way of sobering up was shopping at the surf shops and walking the beach all afternoon. Again, where was he? Not with me. He would stay home and do what? He was busy planning his empire. I suppose that’s not a bad thing, but I will write about how he tried to accomplish that through me.
I tried to suggest things for us to do besides the mundane. If you know me well, then you know I love to be outside playing. The beach is great but there is so much to do when you live in California. I want to experience everything! He was doing really well with the company he was working for and plans were hatching for something bigger that would set us on a path of amazing opportunities and wealth. He started talking about this very wealthy family that he met through work and next thing I know we are spending time with these people when time allows.
My life was about to change exponentially and I was about to meet the movers and shakers of Los Angeles. Then again, I expect nothing less from J.R. Ewing.