I like to reflect on Sunday’s and take time to appreciate the life I have created through determination. I never wanted to be a statistic in any category but yet, here I am. Does this mark me in society as “defective?” No. It shows my children that you must never give up no matter how shitty the circumstance. I wanted to teach my children about love and kindness and appreciation of that person you care for the most in this world. I think I have accomplished that even though I never really received that from a man in any relationship. I refuse to believe I am unwanted although I spend most of my time asking “What’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t anyone want me? Have I become hard like stone and not easy to love? ” It was a man that brought me to this point in my life. It was a man that made me open my eyes and say “No more!” I have guarded my heart ferociously since this man but I have more love to give and I am willing to take that chance.
God created the most perfect form of woman in Eve and gave her to Adam as a gift to love and cherish. Whether you are religious or not, when someone appears in your life and feels like that gift you should honor it. Why does it go horribly wrong sometimes?
Women love to love. It is so easy for us to feel emotions immediately for people we connect with. When we meet that person that makes us smile and makes our tummies flutter with excitement we want to share all we can with that person and offer them our hearts without thinking that there may be a chance it is mishandled. We take that leap of faith. I took that leap. I crashed. I gave all my trust to this man and ultimately gave him control too. I kept telling myself he knows better than me and I love him. He certainly wouldn’t do or say these things to me because he did not love me. This is how he cares for me. I must honor this relationship. I am his gift. Right? I understand why some women stay in crappy relationships. Verbal abuse or physical abuse are abuse! But when you’ve been beaten down emotionally you have to reach down deep to find strength and courage to say ENOUGH!! I’ve had it! How the hell do I get out?! I was not a gift. I was an arm piece. A trophy wife. A puppet. Fortunately for me I found the nerve to start challenging this relationship. When I finally reached my tipping point I made decisions that were not all good but I was scrambling to get out. It took me more than once and I will get to that in another blog post but for now I want you, the reader, to understand you are a gift to someone out there. Your heart and soul are magnificent. You are a beautiful person and you have so much love to give. If you find yourself feeling more sad and hurt than happy, it is okay to leave. I do not care what you have to do to get out, just go! Give yourself to someone who appreciates you and can make you smile. Most importantly, be sure to give that same appreciation back. It is hard to navigate down that road for me because I have been conditioned to respond in “fight or flight” reactions. If I make a man angry I immediately start shaking and think “Oh my god, what will happen next?” I don’t know how to get beyond that without thinking “I’m wrong for opening my mouth. I’m wrong. What will he do or say?” I only hope that just one person reads this and says “I understand you.” Let me be the one who gives you strength and hope to leave. I’m not an expert. I can only share my journey.
There is still so much more to write but today I want to leave you with the reminder, “YOU ARE A GIFT TO SOMEONE.” I’m just here to tell you if it doesn’t feel good or right, it’s okay to leave. Give yourself to that person who can appreciate you. Be that woman just like Adam’s Gift. You are that special. Have a beautiful day!