Things Were Going Okay…

It has been a bit since I have written but I took time away from this as I approached the one year anniversary of my mom’s passing and I did not want to give this space and time of my life any chance of keeping me focused on honoring my mom. Here we are again.

Things were going okay in SoCal. Again, I knew in my gut that this was not what I thought marriage should be but I really didn’t know any other way to approach this man so I kept allowing the behavior. His work continued to thrive and I had been promoted to Assistant Branch Manager as well as a floating manager to cover other branches when needed. School was on track and kept my mind stimulated. His side job company was actually a great idea and it was about this time that the perfect storm started brewing. A number of things occurred in a short time frame that catapulted this relationship into the devastation zone. I will tell you that what I share in this post I have never shared with anyone except my Aunt and that was not until recently. Not even my parents know what I am going to share. They will never know because they are asleep for eternity. No one. I have kept this to myself for a lifetime and it is time I let it go.

The two parts to this post go something like this.

1. Something he wanted from me didn’t go his way.

2. Something he didn’t want went his way.

One day he brought up the topic of starting our own company. It would be a safety supply company and we would handle all the products he does now and anything else safety related. We would be the middle man and in addition to selling to accounts we would bid on large scale projects. This was the industry he knew inside and out. He had all the contacts and he started reaching out to the companies of the products he wanted to align with. It was very well thought out. Remember, J.R. Ewing was a shrewd business man and he knew this business. We started talking about how we would bank roll a warehouse and office space and we needed seed money. The logical approach was to seek out investors. Even better than seeking out investors he decided that I needed to ask my grandmother for all the money. Wait, what? Yes. He told me that I was to ask my grandmother for $100,000 so we can launch our company properly.  My grandparents financial status seemed to be a topic of conversation for years with many people constantly speculating the gazillions of dollars attached to their bank account. I found it amazing that no one had anything better to talk about and now I have just learned that his family also made it a topic of discussion. I responded to him that maybe we can seek out investors and pay them back in shares as we grow. No. He wanted all the money from her because “She has all that money”. Oh my god. He is going to make me ask her…and he did.

Here’s how it went down. The idea had been hatched and he wanted to put us on the map quickly so one particular weekend he said it’s time to call my grandmother back in Pittsburgh. He briefed me on exactly what to say to her then we walked over to the phone which sat on the desk. I sat down and he hovered over me and said “Call her”. To describe the sick feeling in my stomach as I dialed the phone is impossible. I loved her so much and I have never asked anyone for anything in my life before, much less $100,000! How do you even lead into that?! Ugh. I wanted to throw up. So I dialed the phone. She was one of those amazing women I looked up to. So regal and graceful and always put together. She wore a dress every day of her life except when we were all on the beach in Wilmington, N.C. She and my grandfather were well respected in the community and they lived a beautiful life. She always sent me cards during the holidays with a check and she would write a note saying “Buy yourself something special.” I felt like I was about to betray her but here goes nothing. I had no choice. He was not going to leave the room to let me have a private conversation with her. I got through the niceties and then came the big question. I explained that we had decided to start out own company but to successfully acquire the warehouse and office space and tool it for shipping and receiving we would need $100,000. There was a brief silence. Then she eloquently answered me and said she would like to take a few days to think about this and she would get back to me. I thanked her for considering and we ended our phone call. He wasn’t pleased that she didn’t say yes or no immediately but then again he called me dumb so I believe he thought all females were too stupid to know better. Guess what? She too was a smart cookie. He was agitated without an answer and I told him it’s her right to take her time thinking about handing us $100,000. That was a Saturday. She waited two days to call me back because she waited until Monday when she knew he would not be home. Here is how it went. “Emily, I have thought about this and the answer is no. I will not give you the money. The reason is because I know that you didn’t ask for the money, he did. I would never deny you anything but I know he made you make that call. Tell him I said he cannot have it and he will have to find another way.” I told her I understood and acknowledged that he did make me call her but I also told her I loved her and I was thankful she said no because all is not right here. Now my stomach is even more upset because I have to tell him this news later that evening. It did not go well. I did not tell him her words exactly because that would have pissed him off more. I simply told him she spoke to her financial adviser and after consideration it was not a wise choice. He didn’t like that answer. The yelling began.”What do you mean she isn’t giving ME the money?! What is she going to do with all that money?!” He went on for a while. It was like watching a temper tantrum. Then he picked up the phone and called his mom to tell her that my grandmother said no. At some point in their conversation she made him put me on the phone with her. “Why isn’t she giving him the money?! What is SHE going to do with it? She can’t take it with her?!” WOW. They are locked and loaded and I am the target. I finally looked at him while on the phone with her and said “She can do whatever the fuck she wants with her money, it’s HER MONEY!” I had to defend myself for weeks to come because of the word NO. They were horribly relentless. It was when I started to think they didn’t like my family. No worries. My family doesn’t like you either. To this day I thank God she did not say yes because this started the revelation that I may be walking or running away from this man. Now we/he has to figure out where he is going to get his seed money from. Guess who stepped up? His mommy. Yes. She would become the primary share holder and investor of the company and to protect his and her interest (which was our money too) he put the company in her name. He did that because he could bid on government projects as a minority owned company. I am nowhere in this picture and I am married to this asshole. So much was happening. I was miserable. They loved to pick on me. It was just hurtful. So we launched this company. It’s still in existence and he has lived a fabulously rich lifestyle because some people make a point of telling me all about it to this day. I will tell you how that played out in our divorce later on. Right now this is about what is driving me away. Suddenly everything in our world became his and he would tell me all the time it was all his. Oh goody, your trophy wife has arrived. Watch what I will do with your money you greedy asshole.

This is the tough part for me. Around the time this was happening we took a trip back home (his home in Pittsburgh) to visit his family and attend a graduation party. I was sick on this trip and on medication. I did not know that while on birth control that you can become pregnant if you take antibiotics. It was a short trip and then back to the left coast. A few weeks had passed by and I was finding myself completely exhausted. I could not stay away after 7pm. I noticed that I felt like I was PMS’ing in an amplified way and I missed a period. Oh my god. I told him one night that I thought I was pregnant. It was not well received. I explained that I would go to the doctor tomorrow to see what is wrong with me. Tomorrow came and it was confirmed. I was pregnant. I came home and told him and his response went something like this “I’m not ready for a baby. You are going to have to have an abortion.” I realized that not only did he control everything else in our world, he also controlled my body. He made that choice that night for me. It was not a decision we made together. It was his choice and I had no voice in the matter. My soul was being destroyed by this man. Who can I tell? No one. Who would understand? No one. Will God forgive me? I don’t know. I called the doctor the next day and asked for help. He guided me to a clinic. I believe it was near Newport Beach, I honestly cannot remember because I try to block it out. The appointment was made. He drove me there. They asked me what kind of anesthesia I wanted. He chose the twilight sleep for me because it was less expensive. They took me into the surgical room and there is a sound that I will never forget. It was sickening. The procedure was done. He put me in the car and as we were driving back home he wanted details of what happened so I told him. He actually got light headed and said he might have to pull over and vomit. You know what I think? He’s a weak man and a pussy. He put me through that and yet he couldn’t handle it himself. I guarantee he never told anyone about that day or that event, because he’s weak.

That was when I realized there is a timer on this marriage. It devastated me.

I will stop here because it’s finally been said. THAT is what drove the wedge so deep that I would never forgive him. There is so much more to tell but this was truly the beginning of the end for me. Emily the survivor was starting to wake up.