I think it’s worth noting that this period of my life marked the beginning of my non stop journey of moving. Before leaving for California my parents moved once in Lakewood so that was my first, but I was always with family. This was the solo part of my life and it was just getting started. I’m sick of moving. I’ve moved as much as some military families. I’m sure that I will move again someday because my life doesn’t feel settled yet BUT I’m getting there. I’ve learned to live simply because hanging on to shit slows you down. I’m glad that my kids had a home for a bit of time in their lives but they have adapted to whatever my environment post divorce from their father.
Anyhow…let’s step back to this moment in time. I left California with my suitcases of clothing and that was it. I came home to a fold out sofa for my bed. There weren’t any rooms for me to sleep in, so that was my bed. I got home and thought “Now what?” What am I supposed to do with myself? I mostly did nothing. When your world suddenly stops and you are looking for your purpose it feels like you are wandering with your eyes closed. You cannot see where to go and you do not know how to fix it. You spend a lot of time deep in thought or talking to whoever will listen. I don’t think too many people understood why I had returned. The more I started talking to friends and family I thought something would jump out at me and say “See Emily! This is what you are supposed to be doing with your life! Move on! Do this!” It was happening. Time ticked on and days and weeks started to pass and the phone began ringing more frequently not just from my estranged husband but from the guy who I shared space with when I left the first time. The holidays were approaching and I think that people become melancholy for friendship or lovers and make greater efforts to connect. At least that is my experience with men. Unfortunately I was allowing the phone conversations which were actually keeping me from thinking clearly about why I came home in the first place.
I will stop here because I think it’s important to talk about this moment in time where we second guess all our decisions because of what we feel in our hearts. Many women (and I’m sure some men) want to always give the benefit of the doubt in matters of the heart. We are wired to feel. We are not robots. Once you share that great kiss with someone and you feel some sort of a connection, it is hard to believe that your judgement sucks so bad that this person might be the worst thing in your life. You constantly have an internal argument and you find yourself defending poor treatment and rationalize that “He really loves me. I know he didn’t mean it.” This is where we faulter in the human condition. When we extract ourselves from that toxic person the emotional roller coaster takes our mind and heart on a journey that makes us second guess our decision to leave. We feel loss. We feel pain. We feel failure. We feel sadness. We definitely feel confused. It is not a euphoric feeling. It is something that pulls at your soul and this is why so many women never leave. They start this emotional journey before they can get out the door. I chose to leave because I was physically ill and I could not even focus to work. I had to get out for me. Do not get me wrong. I went through all the feels and I still made bad choices. My journey with this man was not over.
I will end this entry with an old Greek tale that my wise Yiayia Katina told me. “When you have a cat with a crooked tail you may put a splint on it to straighten it out. The minute you take the splint off….the tail is crooked again.”