I don’t know how I feel anymore

Here we sit. His dream is coming true of owning his own company. I’m clearly not in the equation. He is still trying to figure out the funding and I am hurting inside from what has just happened to me. We aren’t even on the same playing field. This was the catalyst for my first attempt at leaving him. My health is so fucked up at this point that I am at the doctors every other week. He tested my blood for mono because I was dropping weight rapidly and had developed this terrible twitching eye. My friends were starting to see the effects of this relationship taking its toll on me physically. I need out. I don’t know what to do.

My last appointment with the doctor was when I knew something needed to change. He told me that stress can only be hidden for so long and he was actually the first person to tell me to leave this relationship. I had now developed an intestinal infection and I literally could not eat anything because it went right through me. All this from stress. I honestly didn’t know what to do until I shared my situation with a guy I met at the gym. It was at this moment in my life I made a stupid decision but it was my way out. This guy had a 2 bedroom apartment down the road from where I lived and no one was occupying that second bedroom. I said “I’ll take it.” I went home and packed my suitcases and some garbage bags with clothes and left him that day.

Shit got real. Fast.

I basically knew very little about this man whose apartment I just moved in to. I look back on this time in my life and realize that my choices were horrible but I wasn’t sure what to do. I learned over time that he lied about pretty much everything and the situation just began to escalate once I moved into his place.

Oh my god the first night was a disaster that I was there. Actually, it went on for almost a week. My husband found out where I had moved to and began riding his motorcycle to my building late at night. He would stand outside yelling for me. I had pushed him over the edge. After almost a week of this the landlord came to the apartment door and told me that if it continues he will call the police or I am going to have to move out. I am already physically ill and down to 118 lbs. My clothes are falling off of me. I’m living out of suitcases and sleeping on a floor. What the fuck has my life come to? The doctor has me on a controlled diet that will take 6 weeks until I can eat solid food again. I am clearly not thinking straight. It is at these times in your life when you hit rock bottom in self-esteem and decision making that nothing makes sense in the long run. It is all for the moment and just survival. What am I doing?! Ugh. I called him at the end of the week and told him he needed to stop this insane behavior. I didn’t know where to go and he is driving me out of the only place I could figure out quickly. He said he would stop but he needed to talk to me. And so the negotiating began. I should note that it was not without interference from this man who was providing shelter. That’s when it started to become a huge mess. I lasted 6 weeks in that apartment when I finally said ENOUGH! I told that guy I was leaving and heading home to Ohio to figure shit out with my life and then I told my husband the same thing. Before I headed back to Ohio I told my husband I wanted to file for legal separation. I couldn’t take it anymore. He agreed. We went to the courthouse together and for some stupid amount, $5.00 maybe, we filed. California allows you to file for separation but it sits for 6 months with the courts and if it is not contested by either party, a dissolution is granted. That was our measure of time to see what we could do to either salvage this relationship or pull the trigger. How ironic. You spend thousands of dollars to create a magical wedding day and then you file for $5.00 to make it all go away.

This would be the first time I left him. It would not be the last. And so I headed home with nothing but some clothes. It didn’t even matter if I never went back again to get the rest of my things. I needed to get healthy. I couldn’t think beyond that. The mind games wore me out. I was emotionally beaten down and I just wanted to go home. Mom and dad were my support system. No one really understood all this except a few that saw first hand.

Back to Ohio I went.

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