Turmoil sometimes knows no boundaries

No one said love is easy and no one told me that in my lifetime I would be part of that exclusive group of women that never had the fairy tale.  I see it happen all around me and I wonder why I was chosen to be the receiver of such sadness and hopelessness in relationships when all I know is how to love.  There isn’t a handbook that says “How to spot an asshole and run far away fast.” It appears that because some of us open our hearts and want to think the best of that person you lay it out for, that love will be reciprocated. My life has been nothing of the sort and in this most important first real relationship of  my life I have chosen to challenge everything that was wrong with it from the start.

So here I am still sitting in Ohio with zero direction of what to do except for trying to work out a broken marriage. I realize I should have never allowed that visitor but it’s too late to take that choice back.  I realize that I have unresolved feelings for a husband I left back in California (but yet, I truly feel it is not 100% genuine). Maybe we were hasty in our decision to file for divorce? Maybe we should keep talking and see if there is a chance? Maybe I forgot how horrible he treated me? Maybe I believe he will change? Maybe I should get on a plane and try this one more time?

This choice did not happen overnight. It was several months of talking. It was odd because we knew that when we filed we had an expiration date on our marriage. Now it felt like “Beat the Clock”. Good grief. I have no one to counsel with back home. It was like living in limbo and my parents understood my struggle. My mom hated California and my dad had no desire to visit. I will say this. We never lacked in visitors from back East. I think that is what kept me going most of the time. It was my shelter from the storm. Ugh! Nothing I did had closure! I walked away from school again! I came home to nothing! So one day I pulled up my big girl panties and announced to my family “I am going back.” I knew something was not finished and I needed to step back into the gauntlet one last time to understand just how horrible this relationship really was even though the promise to change was given.

During the weeks of negotiations for my return I never knew that the friend my parents dropped at the airport had taken up living somewhere close to our house. To this day I do not know where that man stayed. What I do know is that he knew my schedule and would show up at the house knowing my grandmother would open the door. I hate him. He used her for food and information and to understand my whereabouts. Not even my parents knew he was coming by the house during the day. I was going about my business of planning my return to the left coast when one day my grandmother admitted to me what had been happening. I almost threw up. I told my parents immediately and my papa bear stepped into action. Based on his activity we knew he would come by the house on Monday at some point but he always called first to make sure I wasn’t there and so we waited for the call. My grandmother answered the phone and said I was gone. It would not be to long after that he would show up at the door based on his pattern of behavior.

We waited.

He showed up at the door.

My father greeted him……and then proceeded to threaten him with physical harm and/or calling the police and having him arrested if he did not leave the state. I realize this sounds ridiculous and unenforceable but then again, you didn’t know my papa when he was seriously pissed off. He threatened a restraining order and told that man to get his ass to the airport immediately…..and he did.

Sounds almost to easy. Yeah, there’s more. Leading up to this I had already planned my departure date back to Cali and unfortunately my grandmother had given him those details too. He had pleaded to her that he wanted me to stay in Ohio and he wanted to move there and be a part of my life. What the fuck?! I never had any intention of this going so far off course that this man thought I was remotely interested in a relationship with him. He came to visit. What fucked up world did he live in? Yes my family is fucking awesome and NO you are not allowed to be part of it. GO AWAY!

Do you know when I found out he knew my plans to return? When I landed back in Los Angeles. I literally have stepped in the highest piles of relationship shit that exist in this exact moment of my life and I had nothing to do with it. It was like bear traps were set up and waiting for me to snap my feet off at the ankles so I cannot run. I guess my parents were told by my grandmother the day I left for Los Angeles AFTER I got on the plane that this man said he would be waiting for me at LAX. I had a connecting flight through St. Louis and my mom tried so hard to get me to pick up a terminal page in that airport and I never heard the page. She said her stomach dropped because she knew what was going to be waiting for me when I landed. So much for trying to repair an estranged relationship.

The scene at the airport was like that from a soap opera…..and this is when I knew that no matter what I ever did to try and make a shit show of a marriage work we were probably going to be doomed.

(writing this entry truly took my emotions to that place and time of stress and anxiety. To all the strong women out there who cry and are hurt in your struggles to love someone, I know your pain. It’s hard to walk away. Stick with me though because I will tell you how  to finally say enough. Love is not easy but at some point we have to love ourselves more to save our hearts)

I am stopping here for today because my heart is pounding.

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