2018 – The Final Post, A Reflection (Before I get back to my story)

49135338_10216771010643008_4090182026966073344_nQuestion: “Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind?”

Answer: Sometimes…yes

How is it the year always ends right on time? How is it that we set these benchmarks for living our best life for the New Year and then God throws us that curve ball that says “Let’s see what you can do with this. I am giving it to to you because I know you are stronger than others and you must show them how to be resilient in the face of trauma. Teach. Show. Believe in me.”

My faith is fierce. It always has been and if you have followed my blog, it’s been a long journey where I have turned to prayer and God to help get me through some terrible times. Not all of those moments were by choice but I will always accept responsibility for walking into crappy relationships without understanding my real worth. As far as the rest of my life, living with PTSD and now recovering from my recent (and 3rd stint in the ICU on a ventilator), God has decided I am a bad-ass and a warrior. I am good with that. If you could see the bruises all over my torso right now you would understand. It’s all good because I am alive. Always find the silver lining.

Let’s back up a skoch to Oct 1, 2017, the night I left my former body, spirit and soul on the asphalt of the Route 91 Concert. I look back and know that when I started finally running for my life, that I was leaving the old Emily behind. I knew I would have to find a new center. A new place to calm myself and remind me that the world is not full of evil and hate and that #lovewins. First I had to get past the nerves. The constant twitching at the slightest sound. No more full nights of sleep and living just on the edge every single day for months on end. Even driving was impossible at times because I would forget where I was going. I was not alone. I have a family of 22,000 that understand. I took the first part of 2018 to just remain calm. I spent a lot of time alone and it was intentional. I know what I need to nourish my soul. A pisces by astrological definition. I am a fish and we have the ability to swim with the large school of fish and be present and engaged but when we (our souls) need deep nurturing, we dive deep and swim alone for a bit. It is that place where we find calm and peace. If you are a pisces then I know you understand this concept. Our brains struggle with the creative and the high thinking constantly and it is the only way to slow down….take the deep dive. The water is calm down below the surface. It is where my oxygen waits for me. When I swim back up to the surface I am renewed. I love this part of me because I see how many others can struggle with finding their center and for me it is easy to get there. I can go out and dine alone or spend the day exploring and doing exactly what I want to do without worrying if anyone else can join me. Do you know how freeing that is? Then there is the balance of life where I love a good party. I especially love a great tailgate crew!

This year was not only full of renewal for me but amazing growth professionally. It was the balance I needed and I am so blessed to be where I am. During an intense time of my life post Las Vegas I was given the opportunity of leadership. Something I had intentionally gone back to school for because this is one of my passions.  My real estate career came full circle in 2018. I have worked tremendously hard to put my life on track post divorce and set a great example for my children and I believe I accomplished that goal. I always want to inspire my children to be the best they can be at whatever it is they choose to do and this year they were so proud of me! Those three heartbeats that live outside of my body have really had to rally around me a lot over the past year. I decided to challenge them one more time before 2018 ended and decided to stop breathing on Christmas Day. Yes, just 6  days ago. It was a great day though until the evening and I knew I was in distress. Thankfully they were around to get me medical attention. I actually lost an entire day of 2018. I have zero recollection of Dec 26th. I was in an induced light coma and woke up on the 27th of December. I guess God decided I didn’t need to remember that really bad day and I am thankful for that.

I have some great aspirations for 2019 and one of them is to write more. It really is my first passion. I have been writing in journals for years and I really want to keep telling my story. So many people have silently reached out and have said “Keep Writing! You are helping me OR you are helping someone I know.” There is nothing more gratifying than knowing I can do that for even just one person. I know I started blogging before #metoo became a movement, and I am here to tell you my story keeps going but I promise you it will find that happy ending. Sometimes we have to walk several journeys before we find the one who we can say…

“Here is my heart. I am giving it all to you. I trust you. I am done searching. I have found you. I love you.”

If you are here reading, I thank you. I hope 2019 brings you whatever it is you are searching for and remember, if it gets to challenging, take a deep dive. I will be there quietly swimming alongside you until you are ready to surface again.

All my love.

 

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