I have had a lot of time to think over the long July 4th weekend. Sometimes we can over think but sometimes we take those deep moments of thought to really explore what we need to do to move forward. That was my vision this weekend. Foreword thinking with the idea that closure needs to happen in a few areas.
First and foremost, I am grateful to friends who included me in their plans over the weekend. I did some of my best meditation in their presence and they didn’t even know it. But that’s what friends do, they leave you to your thoughts until you are ready for dialogue.
The first order of closure came on the evening of the 4th. A friend asked if I wanted to see Jason Aldean in August. I don’t think I even hesitated. I replied YES immediately. We purchased our tickets right there on the spot and my nerves kicked in. This is the most important closure I need to face right now. It is time to finish that concert from October 1st. I have been waiting for someone, anyone, to say “Let’s go. I will stand by your side while you breathe through it.” To say I am grateful to this person for offering does not do this moment justice. I am nervous, scared and emotional as I am already anticipating the moment when he sings the last song I heard before the gun shots. Yes, I am already thinking about the anxiety BUT this is a huge step for me. I need the closure. I am ready. I am certain I will have some mini panic attacks leading up to August 9th but this girl is locked in. #countrystrong
The next situation that came at me was a man from my past. I never wrote about this man because that relationship was such an emotional journey that I wasn’t ready to share. That man was the one that broke my heart. Only my closest friends know him. He was my kryptonite. I never said no to him because that would mean I would never have time with him. I took any moment he would give me and most of the time it was only me giving to that relationship. After 5 years together, he chose someone else. I was heartbroken but I wished him all the happiness he was searching for and I hoped he finally found that one woman that could fill his heart. I blocked anyone that I thought could see my facebook page and put it on lockdown. I blocked his cell number. I told him I would never reach out to him again. Not a call, text, nothing. When I walk away, it’s for good. He married her and years have passed and a few months back I received a text from an unknown number. It was him. It was a moment in time that I was actually paralyzed as I stared at my phone. What? Why? No! Just like that, the kryptonite was thrown at my feet. It was at this moment I allowed him to talk to me. I heard everything he needed to say. Things he wanted to tell me for the past 5 years. I listened and then I told him “She is wearing your ring. Not me. I cannot do anything with what you are telling me.” I know she knows we spoke. That is not my problem, it is his but wow did it rip the scab right off my heart. Here’s the best/worst part. He acknowledged how horribly he treated me. If anything, I have the incredible gift of finding men who are less than kind to me. It’s my gift. *please laugh here because I am. I do nothing but practice kindness and I will never stop but come on already. Leading into this weekend he started texting me. What are you doing? Where are you partying? I replied with “Where’s your wife?” ….his reply “Hopefully out of town, lol” Do you know what I did? Nothing. I fought the kryptonite because I gain absolutely zero from it. I am not anyone’s dirty little secret and I am not taking second, third or fourth place. That’s for any relationship, not just this messed up former situation. My phone blew up all weekend until almost 1am. I stayed home, hiding under the covers and just watched the messages roll in. He even sent me a song. A very important song. I said nothing. He finally stopped.
THAT was my closure. I needed that.
If you are reading this, I assure you that you have the power to stop that force field. Do not engage that person. I know it is difficult! You have to be stronger. There is no gain but simply more hurt. We tend to fall into patterns that feel comfortable, like an old pair of slippers. Then when we lose a slipper, it falls apart and we remember again the WHY. WHY it never worked out. WHY it was so difficult. WHY it hurt so much. My WHY hit me smack between the eyes this weekend. Now to tuck my heart back in with a little hug.
I am only looking forward. It’s the only place I have been heading these past 5 years.